i have always been a good multi-tasker. when i'm on a mission i move a million miles a minute and practically run over people who aren't moving fast enough for me. i always have multiple screens open on my computer. i was so the girl texting during class while simultaneously taking notes and chatting with someone next to me. i skype people and check my email during meetings. my brain almost never shuts off. and it works for me.
but. i am a terrible multi-emotion-all-at-once-haver. yes, it's a real thing.
i cannot for the life of me figure out how to reconcile different emotions together. which, on a general day to day basis isn't normally a problem. until disaster strikes and everything goes haywire and there are so many things happening that i don't know what to do with myself.
today is one of those days where emotions have been amplified and there are so many things going on that i am totally and completely unreconciled.
i don't understand how the lord can exist in both life and death. in celebration and in grieving. in new and old; in pain and in joy. i don't understand how justice and redemption and restoration works in the middle of circumstances that seem so unfair.
i feel a little more grown up this week as i've watched from a distance a dear friend lose someone she loves. i've coupled that with the news that my sister is in labor, about to bring forth life and give me my first niece. funny how even in bringing forth life there is still so much struggle.
it's easy to see the lord in the happy things. it's not so easy to see him in chaos and disorder. its not easy for me to find him in the deaths and tragedies. the tension of finding a good God in the midst of terrible circumstances isn't something i've figured out. at all. i find myself smack dab in the middle of asking a lot of questions. questions i've asked before but seem just a bit more pressing these days. questions that are, once again, forcing me to wrestle down the things i think i know and fight for the answers i don't yet have. i'm okay with the questions and i know that the lord is big enough to handle them. he isn't moved by my unknowing and i've found comfort in the freedom to ask without hesitation or fear. but as free as i am to ask them, today that isn't offering much comfort. and asking a lot of questions from the comfort and safety of my cozy, peaceful home seems futile.
today, i desperately want my friend to not be hurting. i want people's hearts to be full, not broken. today i would like it if i could understand why some things happen or don't happen. i wish i could be okay with the fact that life isn't fair and believe wholeheartedly that god is still good in the middle of it. today i want to be able to do more than pray for people and hope it means something.
mostly today i just need the lord to be present. not even so much with me, i just need to know he's present with them. to know he's present with the hurting and with the rejoicing. and that he's at the funerals and in the delivery room. i need to know that he's with the mourners and those rejoicing. i need him to remind me that he's always with us in the struggle and that, at the end of it all, life will come.
last week i had the privilege of traveling to antigua, guatemala to help run a mid-point debrief for one of our passport teams. a group of 20 college kids and two leaders are spending an entire semester in the middle of nowhere guatemala, living in one house, with one bathroom. they are reaching out to prostitutes and street children and the local church. they visit a garbage dump and watch people scrounge through mounds of waste while they try to make sense of the intense poverty before their eyes. they're praying for people, learning how to live in healthy community, facing sickness and diving into their own, personal faith and what they want it to look like.
this group is amazing.
but their first few months on the field was proving to be more difficult than most of them imagined. when we met them last week most of them were discouraged, exhausted, sick of community, craving food other than rice and beans, desperate for a good nights sleep, missing home, and in need of someone to speak some encouragement and life into them. insert mid-point debrief.
nick and i showed up in guatemala and hit the ground running. we spent three days pouring out everything we had. we prayed and laughed and listened and shopped and prayed and cried and prophesied and feedbacked and fellowshipped and worshiped. it was awesome. it was so good for me to hear the stories of what that lord is doing in and through these incredible people. it was amazing to see how the things the lord has been walking me through he is walking other people through and now that i've reached some level [albeit small] of victory i have room to speak into those places.
the person i spent the most time with was glenalyn. glenalyn is one of the leaders of this team. she did the world race in 2010 and then led an ambassador trip for us this summer. she's amazing. her heart is to see people reach their full potential and to get everything they can from the Lord. glenalyn is learning that leadership isn't always fun - but that the Lord is always in it.
"...this past week in Antigua, the trend continued. I had felt discouraged, disappointed and frustrated with how things were going on the field, but mainly in myself. I felt like a bad leader, like I wasn't fit or worthwhile to hold this position anymore, and they should just send me home and find someone else.
I sat in dinner our last night with the AIM staff who had come to debrief us, and the tears just started rolling. I tried to stop but I couldn't. The dam had broken and the puddles were forming. All my thoughts and fears of failure, of inadequacy, of illegitimacy, of going back to P.B, of everything, really, just starting verbal vomiting over the table. They (the AIM staff and Julian) stopped me and spoke some life... continue"
thank you for letting me be a part of something so incredible. thank you for allowing me to share with others what the lord has done in me and to speak what he was saying over people who need to hear it. because you keep me here, they get to go. and because they get to go, the people of guatemala are experiencing the manifest presence of a living God. people are being healed. orphans are being held. college students are finding their identity and purpose in the kingdom. widows are finding comfort in the arms of jesus. street children are being fed. local churches are finding encouragement.
i couldn't do any of this without each of you. i wouldn't want to.
it's been awhile since i've just sat down to write. write about what's going on - what i'm thinking and feeling. i sometimes think about it and then i start thinking about how i have to make it sound good. i'd have to whip out the thesaurus so i sound smart on the interwebs. i think about how i need to gather my thoughts and formulate adult opinions on things before my words will mean anything. i think about how i shouldn't waste my time filling people in on my little life but instead should probably write about thought-provoking global issues that are affecting our society and humanity as a whole. or something.
but i don't want to write that way. it's just not my forte. [no, i did not use the thesaurus for that one].
i'd rather just let my thoughts a'flow.
coming off of catalyst last week, we hit the ground running. things are changing [again] in marketing world. we're facing yet another transition and the tension that comes with it. in a meeting with one of our fearless leaders the other day he said, "the option is to just keep going." it's comforting to know i'm not doing transition alone and that even though there could be much frustration and anxiety in the midst of the unknown, i'm really so much at peace. the lord has been good to me in that way lately. i'm just peaceful and stable. which is still new territory for me, but it's becoming more familiar as the days go by.
i leave for guatemala in the morning. of course i haven't packed or really thought much about it. i'll only be gone for four days [unless i accidentally get stuck for a few extra]. i'm heading down there to help do a mid-point debrief for our passport team. it's been fifteen months since i've left the country. wowzas. it's about time. it's a good thing for me, in so many ways. i need to travel - even for just a few days - but i also need to start exercising my voice in new ways. i'd be lying if i said i wasn't at least a little nervous. the whole field support, participant thing isn't something i'm usually involved with. but i need it. i need to be uncomfortable and be forced to do the thing i'm called to. i need to be forced to prophesy and pour life into these students and leaders. i need to, once again, be placed in a position where i have to hear God's voice in order to move. even if it's just for a few days. it feels good to be trusted with something so important. it feels good to be a part of people's development. and it really, really feels good to have my passport out of the box it's normally kept in.
i ate cinnamon rolls two days in a row this weekend. i also stayed in my pajamas for long periods of time, enjoyed four hours around the dinner table with friends, went to a movie, journeyed to the library and purchased travel-sized shampoos. i love simple weekends. simple weekends make me feel blessed.
then i come home and read stuff like this. or watch videos like this. and i have to wrestle with the blessings again. i have to reevaluate why i have it so good and other people are suffering so much. gah. i hate that internal fight. i still can't always reconcile the things i've seen and the life i live. i have to remind myself that in my own way, i am actively choosing to be a part of a solution that is bringing hope to a world. but sometimes it just doesn't feel like enough.
and with that weighty question i guess it's a good place to end this blog? sometimes i have trouble ending things. so i just keep talking and repeating myself and coming up with new things to say. conclusions have never been my strong point. maybe it's because i struggle to find resolve. maybe i should take bob newharts advice and just stop it.
i logged into my blog this morning to write a quick little update. i thought it had been a few weeks since i'd filled you in on my super exciting life. then i realized it's been quite some time since i posted. wowzas. sorry 'bout that.
let's see if i can catch you up on the last few months. they've been filled with road trips and weddings and events that have been good for my spirit and completely exhausting at the same time. for some reason i thought that when summer ended things would slow down. now i find myself nine days into october and there isn't much of a break on the horizon. thanksgiving might bring a lull. maybe. but i've learned to make the most of the quiet moments i do have while doing my best to embrace the chaos when it comes. i'm still perfecting the art of learning to be quiet in the midst of the noise. even so, i'm happy and content and beyond blessed by the life i live. no complaints from this girl. at least not today.
this morning i find myself in my perfect yellow chair i picked up from an antique store. i'm sipping coffee next to my open window. the air is cool and the cinnamon candle burning reminds me that fall is in the air. last night i had dinner with some dear friends and rested while they worshipped. their songs were transferred to my computer and are serving as church today. it's a good day to enjoy the small things that often times get lost in my busy schedule of relationships, responsibilities and the whole changing-the-world-thing i'm working on.
so while i'm enjoying the smaller things in life today you can get caught up on where i've been and what i've been doing. if you promise to get yourself up to speed on my life i'll promise to not go so long without an update. ever again. really. promise.
at the beginning of august i trekked thirteen hours with kelly and jordan up to chicago for the jesus culture awakening conference. my bff met us up there, so it was great to spend some time with her, too. we were unaware that the conference would mostly be filled with thousands of high schoolers but enjoyed it nonetheless.
a few of us spent one of the last days of summer at the river. we hiked and swam and a few brave souls jumped off a cliff. it was fun day of adventure that will definitely need to be replicated.
my co-worker robby and i had the privilege of spending a week at mississippi college for their mission fair. we met with all kinds of incredible students, shared with them about the passport and about our own experiences on the world race. we were tired by the time we got home, but really enjoyed our time with them.
the last few months have also included a world race reunion/conference, watching my friend and co-worker weston tie the knot, nights in the hammock, a staff picnic, and a trip to florida for my world race teammate's wedding.
well, i think that pretty much gets you up to speed. hoping your sunday is lovely.
as most of you know [hopefully] i've been working alongside of some really incredible people in our college department, real life. one of the biggest needs real life had when i took the position was a re-brand. the program, although growing, was in need of a makeover. a facelift. a little bit o'love. through much deliberation, some meetings and a lot of time we finally landed on some decisions to officially change the name from real life to the passport. the changes came for a lot of different reasons that you can read about.
there's a team of us who have been working really hard over the last few weeks to pull this thing off. from videos to all kinds of design elements, the IT guys and our copywriters. so many people put in so much effort to make the launch a success. the change officially took place on tuesday, september 6th.
i am so excited to be a part of something that is changing and growing and morphing into something so great. real life was already awesome. now it's just more awesome. please, please, please check out all of our new stuff. be sure to like us on facebook and follow us on twitter. we just sent out 89 more crazy college kids this week. we're expecting to launch almost 500 more in 2012. these 18-22 year olds are changing the world.
they get to go because there are some of us sitting behind a desk in gainesville. some people design beautiful things, some refresh our website. some take care of them on the field or help them support raise. they get to go because we're here. and we're here; i'm here because you have chosen to invest in me, in what i'm doing and in who i am.
thank you. thank you. thank you.
thank you for keeping me here. thank you for allowing me the privilege it is to be a part of the passport.
i'm still in need of one-time and monthly supporters to come alongside of me on this journey. if you'd like to give you can go here. if you have questions or want to talk please let me know.
it's 12:52 pm on a tuesday. i just finished my turkey sandwich and bag of strawberries that i brought for lunch. i'm sitting at my desk with my headphones in. i've got thirty-seven minutes until my next meeting. i'm staring at metrics sheets and thinking about budgets. i've got supporter thank you's that need to be sent and an inbox that's screaming for me to dwindle it down below eighty-three. i've got conferences to register for, strategies to write, phone calls to make and blogs to catch up on. it's normal life - the kinds of things i do day in and day out.
on this day last year i walked into the office of adventures in missions as an official employee. and i had no idea what i was about to get myself in to.
i had committed myself to serve six months in the marketing department at aim while i was still on my world race. pizza company in thailand with a certain someone and a freak-out phone call with another certain someone from cambodia is what really got me here. just three weeks after returning from my trek around the world i made the big move across the country. i left home, started my first real job, and moved out on my own for the first time before i even had a chance to adjust back to a normal post-race life.
the first weeks were spent reading world race blogs and crying in jimmy's office. i was smack dab in the middle of re-entry and i had no idea what to do with myself. my heart and my mind were all kinds of crazy. i didn't want to be here. i didn't really know where i wanted to be, but this was certainly not it. i hated not being on the field. i hated sitting behind a desk; being in an office. i missed my squad and the community i'd found. i missed my family. i felt alone. messy and broken. i was insecure in my marketing responsibilities. i was having a difficult time raising the support i needed. all i wanted to do was run away.
i thought the world race was the hard part. this gig was supposed to be simple. i desperately wanted something easier than this.
but i knew that the lord was in it. i knew this is where i was supposed to be.
slowly but surely i began to adjust. i joined a small group. i made some friends. i found some mentors. i maybe even learned how to do my job a little bit. and i even enjoy it. as i continued to fight and work and push through the chaos i found that peace started to come. and over the past months i've found more contentment in being here than i could have ever imagined.
things have turned out to look nothing like i expected. my initial six-month stint ended in february and i was offered a full-time position over-seeing all of the marketing for our high school and college programs. i moved into an apartment with two of the girls from my original race. i've found a permanent desk and finally feel at home in my corner cubicle by the window. i still miss the field, but i see so much value in helping to send hundreds of young people out every year. i still cry sometimes. but today it's mostly from a place of gratitude and amazement at how good God has really been to me.
the last year has been anything but easy. it's actually been hard. like kind of hellishly hard at times. but i've experienced such depths of goodness and only continue to find more.
it's been worth it. so very, very worth it.
i couldn't have done the last year without all of your faithful prayers and support. thank you for believing in me. and for believing in what the lord is doing in and through me behind my desk in the corner cubicle. i cannot even begin to tell you how incredibly thankful and blessed i feel to know you are behind me.
on that note : girlfriend over here is still raisin' support. so if you wanna help a sister out you can. any one time or monthly gifts are incredibly appreciated. or if you just want to help cover me in prayer and support me that way [which is so valuable and i could really use] just let me know. i'd love to make sure you get all of the updates of what god is doing.
sometimes i read the bible. just to read it. and then sometimes i biblegateway certain things i'm thinking about and hope to come across what i'm looking for. it usually works. buuuuuuuuuuuut. anyways.
last night i ehem, stumbled upon this out of psalm 66.
16 Come and hear, all you who fear God,
and I will tell what he has done for my soul.
i've been struck lately about how it's my job to help tell stories. i was basically hired to make sure that the real life story that is being told is the one we want to be telling. i make sure that people are using the right words, the right logo and color scheme. but. i also get to make sure that our stories are being told beautifully, that our participants and staff are being honored and built up. i make sure that God gets glory for working around the world and, in effect, get to inspire people to be a part of what he's doing in the earth. it's taken me some time to wrap my head around the concept that this is my job, but i think i'm starting to understand it. and loving it more and more.
real life sent out almost 400 high school and college students to the field this summer. that's a lot of young people out in the world. a lot of young people who are wide-eyed and ready to bring some kingdom to a hurting and dying world. and a lot of young people who are desperate for an encounter with the living God in their own lives.
it's 400 people who have something to say. 400 people who have a story to tell.
and somehow, i get the privilege to help tell those stories. stories of hope and redemption and transformation. stories of participants finding freedom and wholeness. stories of the sick being healed and the dead being raised. stories about rain coming to dry places and the hungry being fed. stories of participants being healed in their hearts and in their bodies. i get to tell stories of what God is doing in the nations and what he's doing in the hearts and lives of the people we send out.
i don't know. maybe it's silly and seems small to you, but i'm so grateful that the lord [and these people] have entrusted me with such an incredible responsibility. it's a privilege to help inspire and project the voice behind such an amazing people.
none of this could happen without your help. would you consider partnering with me and making a one-time or monthly donation? thank you for your continued prayers and support. also, don't forget to like me.
well. it's official. i can no longer start a sentence with "last year on the world race..."
i've been on american soil for three hundred and sixty five days. [minus the week-long stint in ireland last fall]. whoa. deep breath.
i landed in los angeles sometime in the afternoon a year ago. the lady looked at my passport and said "you've been gone for quite some time. welcome home." to which i offered a fake smile as i fought back tears. then i stood in customs for three hours before finally walking out into american civilization. i spent the evening with my world race bff's before hopping on a red-eye back to missouri.
i walked off the plane in springfield and hugged my family. i grabbed my backpack one last time and we drove home. the first thing i did was try on an old pair of jeans to make sure they still fit. then i took a nap. we ate lasagna for dinner. and normal life just kind of began again.
countless times over the last year when i have thought back to my time on the world race i've felt like it was nothing more than a dream. a crazy adventure that just kind of happened but it wasn't real. except that it was real. so real, in fact, that the residue is still on me. not the africa dirt and asia smell. but the residue of the things i saw. the prayers i prayed and people i met. the residue of feelings i felt and dreams i dared to dream. it's still on me, the glory of it all.
in fact, it's just being embedded deeper and deeper into who i am.
i spent three weeks at home. mostly i tried to catch up with the friends and family i had missed for eleven months. i ate a lot of food and drank a lot of coffee. i packed up my life and drove to georgia, where i've spent the last eleven months on a brand new adventure and at the same time discovering a new kind of normal life.
my first few months in georgia were mostly spent in tears. i cried because i was lonely. i cried because i missed being on the field. i missed holding babies and praying for sick people. i cried because i had no plan. i cried because i had absolutely no idea how to do my job. sometimes i cried because it was the only thing i knew to do in the midst of trying to process and re-enter to so many things. but, over the months, slowly but surely the tears have become fewer and farther between. i promise. just ask allison.
i've become somewhat settled. in gainesville, yes. but mostly in my spirit. i've got a bit of a handle on why i'm here. i'm not so lonely anymore. and i've figured some things out about my job. i feel like i've processed the things i've seen; even though i still miss the african babies. i guess i don't really have a plan. but i don't feel like i really need one right now, so that's refreshing.
anyways. a lot has happened in the last year. a lot of good things and a lot of hard things. some broken places have been exposed and some other broken places have been healed. i'm more whole than i was a year ago. i'm more confident and hopeful than i was a year ago. i'm definitely more free than i was year ago. and i am so much more thankful thank i was a year ago.
i'm thankful for the journey of the world race. i'm thankful for the journey the last eleven months in georgia have been. as thankful as i am for the past, i want to be the kind of person who looks ahead to the future with hope and great expectation. there's really no telling what's in store for the next three hundred and sixty five days. but my prayer is that the residue of my past journeys would become more deeply embedded as i set my eyes and heart towards the journey ahead.
with that. enjoy the video i made of our world race journey.
that is a statement that i have absolutely let define me over the years. it's something that was spoken over me over and over and over growing up. ungrateful. nothing is ever good enough. it has shaped and molded the way i see myself, the world and most importantly, the Lord.
it wasn't until recently that i even realized what a stronghold that lie has been. it's only been in the few weeks that the Lord has been revealing to me the gravity of it and the way that it has affected so many areas of my life.
tonight i was sitting in an all-too familiar training center at the aim headquarters. listening to my dear friend give a talk i've heard at least a dozen times. almost thirty leaders showed up this afternoon for a few days of training before over 200 college kids will get sent out to the nations next week. for two months they will serve the world.
as i was sitting there listening to kelly tell stories about past participants she told stories about how their lives were changed. stories about how a man in africa woke up out of a coma because a real life team prayed for him. she told the story of a participant who overcame an eating disorder and a drug addiction; whose life was transformed by the power and grace of God. she told stories about how it rained in kenya when our participants prayed and massai warriors were saved as a result. she spoke about how she believes wholeheartedly that these participants will change the course of history this summer; that lives will never be the same because they were sent out into the darkest of places with a commission to bring light.
as kelly shared more of the vision for real life i found myself about to lose it.
tears streamed down my face as we prayed for the nations, once again, from that place that has become so comfortable and familiar and yet always transitioning and changing.
because for the first time in a really long time i felt absolutely, unreservedly, filled-to-the-brim grateful.
grateful that i get to be a part of the whole thing. grateful that i had a hand, small as it may have been, in getting over 200 college kids to the mission field. grateful that of all of the qualified, competent people out there God chose me to partner with Him and with this ministry. grateful that in the midst of my brokenness and my process and my junk i am surrounded by people who believe in me and who fight for me, especially when i can't fight for myself. grateful for the reminder of who i am and whose i am. grateful that i don't live under the lies that were spoken over me. that i am not defined by what i was told or not told. but that i am defined only by what God says about me. grateful that even though it seems minuscule i maybe might be starting to learn some things. grateful that even if wake up tomorrow with my sassy pants on, there is grace to cover it.
i don't know. maybe it seems silly. but i'm just really, truly thankful tonight. for who God is. for who I'm becoming and for this life i get to live.
