i'm a doubter by nature.  i always have been.  i have spent most of my life waiting for the next bad thing to creep up on me.  i never learned to relax or rest because i always suspected that there was something terrible looming around the corner.  maybe it sounds dramatic, but for most of my life this seemed to be the case.  it was hard to find the lord in the midst of heartache and pain.  it wasn't easy to see his goodness when right in front of me were trials and temptations.  as a result of growing up this way i have lived a lot of life in a constant state of worry and anxiety, even when it goes against everything i cognitively know to be true about who God is.

basically, i've developed a lot of buts.  a lot of really, really big buts.

for just about everything i seem to have a rebuttal.  pun definitely intended.

for example, when someone mentions to me that everything will be okay because god is good my response would likely be

but : i can't see his goodness right now

the lord will provide for all of your needs

but : my support account is low and i am so sick of asking for money.

you have a destiny, a purpose, and a call

but : i am so incapable.  i don't deserve the good things god has for me.  if he gives me anything i'll just screw it up.

the lord wants to use you to change the world

but : the issues are too big.  there are too many victims in this world for one small-town girl to make a difference.

and the list just goes on and on and on.

like i said, i like buts.

for years i've allowed these rationalizations to define my way of thinking.  i've given permission to the enemy to invade my life with lies.  since being home from the race and settling into life down in georgia the lord has really been speaking to me about these things.  he's been nudging me to trust him more, especially in the little, everyday, mundane kinds of things.  he's showing me that he's still same God who healed blind eyes in uganda and held aids orphans in vietnam.  the same God who set me free under that tent in kenya is here.  he's here in gainesville, georgia.  he's near and he's good.

and he's asking me to change my buts.

because i have a big but.  but God has a big but, too.

you see, i am a sinner and it makes no sense for me to have a place of esteem or privilege in the kingdom of heaven

but : i am a co-heir with christ, loved and worthy to receive blessings because i am covered in the blood of jesus.

my support account looks bleak

but : i serve a god who richly supplies all of my financial needs.  he is a father who gives only good gifts to his children.

given my background i should be a mess in my relationships with others and with the lord

but : god is a redeemer of all things.  he makes all things new.  he's the God of second chances.  he's never giving up on me.

there are millions of orphans in my world, thousands dying from aids everyday. modern-day slavery seems like an issue too big to even begin to tackle.

but : i serve a big God.  a God who loves justice.  a God who always leaves the ninety-nine to chase the one.

i don't understand my calling and my destiny.  i have more questions than answers.

but : i have a God who give me peace which surpasses understanding.

i am learning that this list also goes on and on and on.  and it's up to me to make a choice about which list i will buy into each day.  i make declarations every day.  good and bad.  positive and negative.  it's up to me to pick between promises and lies.  life and death.  i'm learning to reshape my buts.  to re-think the words that come out of my mouth, the actions that flow out of my life.  i'm making a conscious effort to believe God for big things, for good things, for provision and peace.  and i'm letting God's but, instead of my own, define my life on a daily basis.

on that note: i am trusting the lord to provide as i continue to walk in a season of continued support raising.  i have a monthly support goal of $1,500.  i am currently in desperate need of long-term monthly supporters who will partner with me in my ministry.  without your help orphans won't be fed, victims of human trafficking can't be rescued, and people won't hear the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  i would love to talk more in depth with you about how you and your family can partner with me to make a kingdom impact on a hurting world.

it was one year ago today.

i hugged my family, strapped on my pack and boarded a plane bound for jfk airport.     i spent the night in new york city with five of my squad-mates and the next afternoon we were off.  bound for ireland.  beginning the trip of a lifetime.

one year ago i was enthusiastic about what was in front of me.  i was ready to hold babies, help widows, preach in africa, and storm the gates of hell in the red light districts of asia.  

i was ready to change the world.

over the course of eleven months i did those things.  i preached, i saw miracles; i witnessed heaven invading earth.  but it happened in so many more ways than i ever anticipated.  heaven came to the aids babies.  jesus met the widows.  heaven invaded bangla road and prostitutes lives were changed.

but something else happened, too.  heaven invaded me.

the lord met me somewhere during my journey through the nations.  i'm not sure when exactly it happened.  i am just now, after being home for five weeks, beginning to scratch the surface of the change that actually took place in me.  at some point, whether it was suddenly or over a period of time, it all changed.  it's been 365 days since i boarded that initial plane and i'm looking up today and all of my realities have been completely turned upside down.  the reality of who the Lord is and who i am to Him.  the reality of the injustice that is going on in the world.  the reality of poverty, aids, human trafficking and the like.  the reality of my life, the way i thought it would look; where i would go.  you name it.  the way i see it has probably, in some way or another, been wholly [and holy] wrecked.  messed up.  demolished.  screwed up.

and it's good.  it's so, so good.

i don't understand it.  some moments i don't really even like it.  i am beyond excited to be where i am today and at the same time i want to run as fast i can in the opposite direction.  six weeks ago i was sweating my life away for jesus in the middle of cambodia.  today i am sitting in a cubicle in gainesville, georgia.  still for jesus.  and this is my new reality.

and i find myself stuck somewhere between loving it and hating it.  this whole messed up, crazy, supernatural world i've chosen to buy in to.  

maybe it's the re-entry talking.  maybe it's the pizza i ate last night.  

either way.  i'm in.  for better or worse i'm here.  whether it's africa, georgia, india, or tim-buk-tu.  i'm here.  i'm showing up.  because as much as it hurts i believe in it.  i believe in giving my life for this kingdom and the cause of christ.  i believe in loving those who have been cast aside, mis-treated and forgotten.  i believe in living a life centered around the spirit.  i believe in living a life of faith.  i believe god will use me if i will only make myself available to him.  i believe in doing life alongside of like-minded people who walk in freedom and the power of the holy spirit.  

i believe that this is it.

and i still have more questions than answers.  i still have reservations and fears.  i still yell at God about some of it.  i still don't love the idea of losing my life to find it.  i'm still in the process of figuring it all out.  i will probably always be in that process.  but in the midst of it all, i'm here.  

and i'm content.  

i'm content in my cubicle because it's a cubicle from which kingdom will come.  

and that's worth every little bit of hell and frustrations and wonderings that come along with it.  

it's so very worth it.